Just one of them things...

This is probably going to sound absolutely ridiculous to a lot of people but whatev, I cant help it. I dont remember feeling this way with Jacob, but I've been incredibly self-conscious of my body with this pregnancy. To the point that I dont purposely look at myself in the mirror- ive pretty much only seen how big my belly is in window reflections- and I dont look at my bare belly. Heck, I dont even touch it bare. I've never really been bothered that much by my body before, so I guess its pretty stupid that I do now. I feel like I'm huge, but its not like I'm really that big. And With only 4 weeks left, I've only gained like 17 pounds. All of that weight to my belly- I'm not blown up like a lot of other people. Well yesterday we were went to one of josh's friend to celebrate the 4th. The dude just got his pool fixed so we were all going to go swimming. I was actually contemplating going in the pool and without a t-shirt. I've only got a two-piece and there was no way I was going to buy a maternity suit when I knew it wasnt going to get worn that often, so me going in the pool shirtless was a big deal. But then it happened....... As I was gettin ready, I looked at my bare belly for the first time. And I saw a coupla stretch marks- I completely broke down. I was so embarrassed of my self. I already felt ick and that just made me feel ickier. I know. Ridiculous. Joshy said so too. I'm pregnant, it comes with the territory. But with Jacob I had little to no stretch marks. And no body likes stretch marks. He was trying to make me feel better and tell me that it was veins, but homegirl knows the difference between a vein and a mark. And he reminded me that I also havent been using the palmers cocoa butter, but I hardly used that with Jacob (Thor kept licking it off my belly whenever I would use it, and I also felt weird putting lotion on my belly- I hardly put it on my legs!). So it looks like I'll be using the rest of that bottle of lotion over these next few weeks, hope that they dont look so bad once amelia is born and then invest in some stock in some Mederma or Bio Oil. Or both!! So I wore the tshirt with my suit yesterday. But you know what Joshy did? He tried to lift up my shirt to show my belly to his friend? I know he's all proud of the new baby comin and all but geez! After seeing how I was when I saw it and knowing how I felt about it? Yeah, def minibreakdown occurred then too. Was so not cool and neither are pregnancy emotions..... It doesnt help that I'm seeing all these pictures on facebook of old friends, including my best friend who's in Cali, who have two kids and they look amazing! Theyre just as thin as they were prepregnancy and in shape and yeah, they just look good. People with two young kids arent supposed to look that good! especially in bikinis! And I'm never gonna be like that or look like I did preAmelia because I dont work out. And odds are I won't. I'd like to, but realistically it probably wont happen. I wouldnt know where to start! And I dont have anyone to do it with, I dont wanna pay for a gym membership & I'm not going to run (running is the main reason why i've never stuck to bootcamp when I've done it). I'd love to do dance classes again like I did growing up, but thats money. I'd rather spend the money on food or the kids- hence why i've only bought a few clothing items formyself in the past year,probably longer, id rather spend it on this crazy boy of mine... Late pregnancy is so depressing... I dont recommend it. Just buy babies off the street people, itll save you some agony..... =P